Advice for New Dictators

Dear Dictator:

Congratulations!

Whether you acquired it as a result of a coup d'etat, a vaguely legitimate election (with no plans for any more), a rigged election or by the cancellation of any further elections, you have just acquired your very own country. The following suggestions should help to provide you with some guidance regarding your next steps:

1. Never forget that all dictatorships have a 'Best Used by Date'. It can sometimes be hard to determine that date but you do want to be long gone by the time it arrives.
2. Never, ever, believe your own propaganda.
3. When stealing money, don't overdo it. You only need a billion or two for a very comfortable retirement. If you have many children, wives and mistresses you may need four or five billion but stealing tens of billions is overdoing things. If you do, you will never work out how to enjoy it or even to hide it - and perhaps yourself - from those seeking vengeance after your retirement.
4. Give your children some of the money and encourage them to leave the country for a life of leisure and debauchery. Whatever you do, refrain from trying to establish a dynastic succession. Some dictators (and absolute monarchs) have been murdered by descendants who too much desired to take their place.
5. Hide the money well. This is getting harder - specially since Switzerland's bank secrecy laws are under attack. There are still some tax havens with good secrecy laws but you need to diversify. Don't put all of your ill-gotten gains in one place.
6. Keep some of your wealth as bullion (coins, small bars) in a reasonably secure warehouse. Use a company - registered in a country where 'Bearer Shares' are permitted - to buy the warehouse.
7. Give your retirement planner a decent share of the money that you have stolen and that he is hiding for you. Include him in your planning for retirement. If you do, there is a reasonable chance that he will only steal a modest part of your retirement fund.
8. If you catch your retirement planner stealing from you, execution - slowly and painfully - is appropriate pour encourager les autres.
9. Negotiate - well in advance - retirement homes in more than one country. Ideally these countries are run by fellow dictators but, in a pinch, an absolute monarch will suffice.

To sum up, don't steal too much or too obviously, keep your children away from the levers of power, hide the money well, and leave before you are deposed or, worse, executed.

Enjoy your new country and, after a while, your very comfortable retirement.

Sincerely

Your Friend

PS: if you feel that this advice is of value and were minded to wire a couple of million U.S. dollars to my bank account, I would be very grateful.